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Finding Happiness

Life
Cancer kills people and ruins so many things. It takes away your happiness and it has a smell. One that I will never forget and it is terrible. It makes people afraid and everyone in its wake is affected. No one gets out alive. The patient will die and those that mourn will never forget its evil.

Love
Through these many bleak months, weeks, days and hours I have come to understand that I can’t understand this insidious illness and yet there has been such kindness that I have received from loved ones and strangers. I realize that I can’t take back the past, but I can live in the present. I can go to sleep at night and be grateful for what others give to me, a smile, thoughts and wisdom, music and books.

Happiness
I could choose despair as it would be easy and then I would be controlled by it. But I will not. I will choose the beauty in how this all shakes out. The beauty of love and memories and of thinking that I am grateful for all that I have. The beauty of a wonderful day filled with voices of friends and children; the beauty of a warm hat, fabulous oysters, and realizing that 20 years ago I started a tradition. Nobody remembers that, and that is as it should be, but I do and so tomorrow I plan to create another tradition. What is it? I have no idea. I think I’ll just believe that some higher force will bring it to me!

Embracing my New Normal

Embracing my New Normal.

Embracing my New Normal

Life
This year has been filled with harsh realities, saying good – bye and learning an appreciation for life. Three people that are close to me will say good – bye to the world in the near future. I have struggled, cried and in the end soldiered on; because that is what we all must do. We do the best with the knowledge that we fail daily and hope that each new day will bring a hello from the sun and a goodnight from the moon. We listen and act accordingly, hoping that we can share what we have learned and we love our family, friends, dogs and cats. Anything to get through. This is life.

Love
I went to Germany recently to say auf wiedersehen to my beloved aunt and uncle. In my head they have always been larger than life and generous to a fault. At the age of 13 for my birthday they took me to The Castle of Chillon so I could see what Byron saw.. then there were trips to Paris, London, Salzburg, Munich and I know not where before I was 18. This time I flew to Europe and visited only them in a nursing home and it was enough. The three of us could recreate the trips through our imagination and memories.

Happiness
I have been home for one week and realize that every day I have on this earth must be held tightly in my embrace. I have such an understanding of future loss and I promise to love life and let go all the things that hold me back.

Good bye Gretchen Widner, most loving one…

Life

In my junior year of College I met Gail Widner. We glanced at each other in Anna Katona’s lit class and bonded over a poem written by Wilfred Owen. Tears streamed down our faces as we listened to the atrocities of WWI; she wearing black heels and a Mondrian inspired dress and me wearing black leather pants and a red sweatshirt. Within a short time Gail and I became besties and that’s how I met Gretchen, her sister who was studying Dentistry at MUSC. Gretchen was  loving, kind and generous. She gave always… to everyone.

We read aloud to each other as girls do; books like The Moon in the Water and The Chains of Fate and we grew up dreaming of living in English Country Houses and Scottish Castles. We had great imaginations and filled all those rooms with countless furnishings. And then we grew up.

Love

Gretchen loved history and she loved genealogy. She embraced her Huguenot roots as well as others from other parts. She was the grande dame of the Dames of the Magna Carta in South Carolina and was involved in so many things. She even figured out the patchwork quilt of my father’s ancestry for me. She loved her family, cats, dogs and she loved children. Before having her amazing son George, she took her nieces and nephew on many adventures to the magic kingdom and beyond. She loved to laugh and she loved to be happy. She was so excited when Gail and I traveled to Italy in 2008. She was exuberant that we would just see it all. She was a great reader too and I was thrilled when she read my busy tome and liked it.

Happiness

I’m looking at a vase right now that Gretchen gave me about ten years ago.It is made of glass and filled with a kaleidoscope of colors.I remember when it arrived; the day was cold and my heart was bleak. I used it once when it was almost knocked over and broken. I loved it so that I chose to put it in the bookcase so nothing could happen to it. So tomorrow in her honor I will buy flowers and dang that vase will be in a place of honor with wildflowers. Good night dear friend, good night. You are missed by so many…

Doing my best .. at Middleton Place

Doing my best .. at Middleton Place.

Noel~

Noel~.

Noel~

romemapromemap
Life
It’s Christmas Eve ~ I’ve munched enough lebkuchen to the point that I am on a sugar high. I’ve revisited five years of journals about Christmas… and I have listened to a host of carols… waiting and wishing for something, I know not what…

Love

At 12:30 my borrowed twins came to me and we walked Winniedeer with her antlers on. She was not shy or unhappy; because her girls kissed her and hugged her and said with genuine laughter “You are Winniedeer” as they pushed that made from china headdress on her head! We met people in the park who wanted to pet the dog who pulls the sleigh…They stayed for hours and made me laugh and realize that yet again, I have been ungrateful. The high voices of children teach me that I need to take it up a notch. Thank you my sweet angels!

Happiness
Finally I’m writing, working on a book that is too big for me.. too complex and complicated and I am grateful for my sad characters to be in the Eternal City at Christmas.. I look at my tree and hope next year Winnie and I will have finished it and be working on another! Happy Christmas!!!!

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